Most of life is that space of growth - the uncertainty - the eternal in-between
Because the only contact most of you have with me is through this blog, I could present an image of myself that could be whatever I choose it to be. Like many who communicate in a public forum, I could express only what I consider to be the best of me - my most together self as I perceive it to be. And, if I did, how would you feel - would it be helpful or aspirational, or perhaps convey a feeling of superiority or exclusivity, resulting in me, only, feeling good about myself? Naturally, I really like my most together self - she is who I aspire to be more often, but, as with you, I am much more complex than my outward persona. We are all multifaceted people with a full range of emotions, frustrations and anxieties, and to express these truths of who we are is to present our more authentic face to the world - a more vulnerable, and therefore, inclusive presence.
For almost three months, I have been in a space of uncertainty. Losing the end-of-semester work when I was overseas meant that I had quite a gap before the new semester started. Being warned that there would be many changes made this year meant that I have been unsure of how much of my usual work I will be offered going forward. Viewing everything from a Spiritual perspective, as I do, naturally I have wondered whether this work is being removed to pave the way for me to step into pathways that are more aligned. Not knowing how to immediately make this happen, in my timing, and maintaining the belief that I am being guided to step forward in universal timing, I am left in the 'in-between', which can feel like a challenging place to be.
I am writing this because I actually believe that the 'in-between' is the eternal state of life - if we wish to grow, we will continually find ourselves back in the in-between state. Sometimes, in this state, we confront our deepest fears and insecurities. When I was overseas, I remember saying that I felt like I was on a precipice, poised for flight but not sure that I would ever be able to fly. Last week was another difficult week, where that lack of trust reared its head for sufficient time to remind me that there were so many occasions in which I had felt ''forgotten about'' by life. In meditation, a friend saw me as a candle that was melting, only to slowly solidify again, and to re-light its flame. This felt deeply true to me. Despite moments of meltdown, I know I will always re-ignite my flame and go on.
Recently, an experience showed me a glimpse of my most together self, and I'm sharing this to demonstrate that who we are becoming, or who we already are, is always just under the surface ready to help us to move forward. I was with a friend at the Mind, Body, Spirit Festival in Brisbane. We had bought some lunch and were looking for a place to sit amongst the occupied tables. Two ladies kindly offered us a place at their table, and we had a conversation with them. One said that she would love to attend a retreat sometime. I looked at my friend, who is currently renovating a property that she is planning to use as a retreat centre. Before long, I had told them about our plans for running workshops, told them about the retreat I had attended in Spain, taken their email addresses, and handed them my card. Later, my friend - who always knows exactly what to say when I'm upset, reminded me of the conversation - ''Those women were looking at you as if they wanted to be you''.
Even in that moment, I had been surprised by how the self I aspire to be - and clearly already am - came online. I felt myself light up as I talked about the things I am most excited by, and I felt those women get caught up in the joy of what I was sharing. The versions of ourselves that pop out in these moments show us how far we have already come - that although we feel impotent at times, we are not going backwards, but forwards - always growing and becoming stronger and more magnetic. We can view these experiences as our guideposts, pointing us to where our passions and purposes lie. If we want to have enthusiasm for life, we need to keep going in the direction of that energy. When we go against it, we struggle to have the motivation that we need to expand our capabilities.
Over and over, I am receiving the same message - trust your inner guidance, your internal compass, your intuition. Never have I received a message that says ''Do what other people think you should do'', and yet we often have that voice in our heads that tells us to take time to consider the input of others in our decision-making. The lens through which we see life is so different to that of others, and our values are a result of that unique way of seeing. We must continue to trust our path, even if it seems uncertain and we wonder if we're being supported. Do you ever wonder, as I sometimes do, why some people's lives seem to be so stable and simple? Perhaps they actually are, and perhaps they are not. The view from the outside is usually inaccurate. Maybe they take all precautions to avoid being in the in-between. This might seem wise. I believe, however, that those of us who are wishing for expansion, who are calling it in, are subconsciously creating the in-between space all the time. As I have said previously, without space, there is no room for new experiences to enter our lives.
The in-between is not comfortable. There will be dark nights of the soul. There will be times when we second guess ourselves and feel sorry for ourselves. This is not failure, however - it is part of the process. We should not worry about how we appear to others. Presenting a flawless image does not represent real progress. Authenticity can be messy and scary, but true friends and loved ones will see the truth of what is happening during our growth process. Knowing our past and our trajectory, they will recognise our vulnerable periods as evidence of our expansion. We should also remember that there is no endpoint to our experience - with each new level of expansion there will come new spaces of in-between. Think of the moon with its cycles of newness and fullness. Our experience of life can be like this, with periods in which we feel confidently expressive and those in which we feel overshadowed or under a cloud. Last full moon, with a friend, I watched as the rising moon peeked through cracks in a cloud, only to burst through with the colour of a flame - like a fire igniting and coming into its full power. That same power is within us.
The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections. – Tahereh Mafi.
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